the principal’s office

<<…LAST TIME ON THE-MAN-AT-TARGET-WHO-TOUCHED-MY-DAUGHTER

I was escorted into the office last week. The principal in front of me and a teacher behind me. The door closed. We all took a seat. “We-Don’t-Know-Where-To-Start” looks from them. A blank look from me. The last time this happened I’d gotten caught smoking during lunch. This time I felt equally as guilty, even though I had no idea what happened.

Turned out ONE’s teacher was concerned that she has anxiety issues. While they boarded the bus for their class trip he played a game with the kids where he pretended to sit on their laps. When he got to her she panicked and said, “Please don’t sit on me. And DON’T touch me, either.” And later when she asked him a question, he squatted down to her height to answer and she backed away from him and almost started to cry.

He told me that he and the class assistant stopped calling everyone “Sweetie” because it so visibly upset her to even hear the word. He also made sure that the assistant (who is female) was the one to help ONE with everything she needed, down to walking with her to the water fountain. He asked if she was anxious at home or if there was anything else I could think of that he could do to make her more comfortable. He also requested that I accompany the class on all future field trips.

Five days later I was back in the office, this time to pick up ONE who was sitting in the back room because her “tummy felt yucky like she was going to throw up.” About a half-hour after we returned home she told me she was actually fine, she just didn’t want to stay at school. She insisted that she wasn’t lying though, because being near her teacher made her feel like she was going to throw up. She continued to beg me to get her into another class because she was afraid he’d touch her like the man at Target did.

Switching classes is impossible (there isn’t another 3-day class) and even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t want to do it anyway. She’s got 12 years of school ahead of her where she won’t have the option to chose her teachers. And this teacher is actually working with us. Doing everything he can to accommodate her and make her comfortable. So it’s actually a safe environment for her to get beyond what’s stuck in her head. She just hasn’t gotten beyond it. Yet.

But at the same time, she’s only 4. She knows her teacher wasn’t the man from Target, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I mean, is this normal behavior for a child who experienced something like this? I’m at such a loss. What if making her stay is screwing with her wiring?

She also understands that if I pull her out I can’t get her into another class and that she’ll have to stay home all day with me instead. Some days she doesn’t care. But other days, like Wednesday, she pumped herself up to go back to school. She sang and jumped and danced. And there were glimmers of her getting stronger.

But the moment she saw him, she turned away, couldn’t make eye contact, mumbled a “hello” and somehow disappeared into her clothes. I couldn’t see her. She gave me a hug and a kiss and marched right into his class anyway. And then cried that night about not wanting to go back. And woke up 5 times sobbing in her sleep last night. And each time she cried I realized that I was already up. Not worrying. Just praying. Floating half-way between sleep and awake.

And as we passed the principal’s office on our way to class this morning and received the knowing, encouraging smiles, I wondered if this would be the day she moves past it, or the day that breaks her. I’m not sure how many more times I can make the walk. Or she can make the walk. Or if we’re doing the right thing.

I just feel helpless. And yet for me, no word is more unacceptable and elicits more guilt than that.

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©2009 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Just don’t touch my sh*t, okay? I’m not in the mood.
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