6 Ways to Find Out If You Are Not Drinking Alcohol

6 ways to know when a drink is NOT alcohol.

As learned from watching family & friends over the years.

1. If it is wine it is not alcohol.  I mean it almost goes without saying.  Think of all the table wines out there, they wouldn’t be on the table all the time if they were alcoholic?  Instead people would keep them away from kids & certainly your Nana wouldn’t give you a juice glass at 8 years of age filled with wine if it had any alcohol in it.  Nope, no way.
2. If it has ice in it.  Anything with ice gets so watered down that it’s practically impossible for it to be an intoxicant anymore.  That’s why your Aunt will ask you to get her some ice for her wine that came out of the box, it’s like the double whammy of not drinking.
3. If you drink it in the morning or with a group at large family gatherings.  Now this one I must admit I use to question but given I have seen many people do it and they all say it doesn’t count then it must be true.  It’s like a vortex of time & people around you that protects you from ever actually ingesting the alcohol in your drink.  You ONLY think your Grandma who claims she never drinks got bombed at your wedding or greats you for brunch smelling like the local pub at happy hour.
4. If it’s mixed into a juice or soda.  The contents of the juice or soda totally negate the alcohol.  I believe there is a scientific principle at work that causes this to happen.  I have seen several women order Bloody Mary’s after stating they aren’t drinking anything with alcohol in it.  And yea that’s right Mrs. Fitzpatrick I’m looking at you.
5. If it’s beer.  Come on beer?  It’s more like a grain product than an alcohol product.  Plus, if it’s light or like the average American beer it’s really just flavored water. And everyone needs to increase their water intake.  I know I saw it on the Today show.
6. If it is in the form of one of those fruity additives.  Like Schnapps or Wine Coolers. These types of concoctions don’t even taste like alcohol & if it doesn’t taste like it then it can’t be.  Similar to when you decide to drink a bottle of NyQuil before going to bed only to find out the next morning you passed out your kitchen floor, it couldn’t have been that NyQuil has alcohol in it but that you were just really, really tired & decided to nap there.  You weren’t passed out & neither is your best friend’s mom after she’s had her 10th glass of Peach Schnapps on the rocks.

Essentially it’s only alcohol if it’s a shot of liquor.  But then again if you put ice in it, have it at a large family gathering, in the morning, or if has the scent of a fruity additive nearby then it might not count.

Now that I got that outta the way & put some minds to rest.  I am off to the store. I’ve got to go buy a box of wine, get the ice cubes chilled, invite some family over for brunch tomorrow (I am sure there some reason to celebrate while we are at it), and make sure there is lots of light beer & Schnapps.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint my guests by not having anything nonalcoholic to drink.