the top 10 reasons why cold weather can bite me
CK posted 9 weeks 2 days ago —
10 - Forcing Ten Tiny Fingers into Teeny Tiny Gloves. Who’s idea was this? Who decided it was a good idea to give these marionette-like appendages their own cotton slot?
This glove 
not this glove
should be standard-issued for all children until they learn how to do this sh*t for themselves or are too embarrassed by their parents to ask for help.
9 – Lyin’-Ass Windshield. I finally get everyone buckled in and turn on the windshield wipers to remove the condensation only to find that it’s actually ice. Then I have to dig through the foot of kid crap in my car for the scraper I haven’t seen since last spring, all the while feeling guilty for keeping the car running while I scrape. Which, somehow always leads to frost on the inside of my sleeves which really pisses me off because it melts immediately and I don’t like feeling soggy and since we’re on the topic of soggy sleeves…
8 – Tissue Sleeves. It doesn’t matter how many wads of tissues I stuff into a baggies and jam into all available pockets, I always wind up using the cuff of my sweatshirt or jacket to wipe a nose. And then I’m so skeeved that I have to roll it up. So my arm is cold and snot glues my jacket together. And sometimes when I return home I’m so happy to get in the house that I take it off my garment, hang it up and completely forget until the next time I need to wear it.
7 – “Trips” to the Park. Even when you factor in the time it takes to dress up and strip down, the occasional pity walk for the dog, the token trip down the slide and the icy swing ride of death, the entire “trip” never exceeds 18.5 minutes. Which inevitably leads to:
6 – Stop it! Maker her stop it! She’s not listening! I asked her to stop and she hit me! MAMA! SHE JUST HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH HER DOLL. STOP IT! STOP IT! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP IT! Which often leads to:
5 - Spending Money. Not on purpose, but when you stroll through Target, climb in designated (and undesignated) mall play areas or jump on IKEA furniture for sanity purposes, you always find things you forgot you needed. Or coffee that needs drinking…
4 – Running the Trash Outside. So I don’t. Instead I wind up welcoming my husband home after an 11 hour-day with poopy diaper baggies, recycling, and trash bags lined up outside the door and two #6s (see above) waiting for him inside. (You know I love you, Baby.)
3 – The Mice Stop Making an Effort to Co-Exist Secretly. 
2 – Baby Back Crack. Why can’t they make onsies for 5 year-olds? It doesn’t matter how long their coats are, they always show that crescent of skin when they bend down that makes you cringe for two reasons. One, it’s freakin’ cold. Two, you realize they’ve already outgrown their pants again. Why does this always happen around Christmas?
1 – Lyin’-Ass Sky. It looks like bedtime. It feels like bedtime. They’re behaving like it’s bedtime. But it’s only 4pm.
Of course, if they never learn to tell time, they’ll never be able to prove that it’s not really time for bed…
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©2009 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and I’m locking you in the house with two #6s, an unwalked crazy dog and all of #3s. Have fun, sucka.
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