i am a bad person

MamaRose posted 1 year 13 weeks ago — I feel like a horrible mother this morning because I let my baby cry. Not just for ten minutes but almost an hour trying to get him to go down for a well needed nap. I kept telling myself through his tears and mine that it was for his own good, but it didn't feel that way. It felt pretty bad actually.

And I kept thinking about the great cry it out debate, wishing I didn't agree so much with the side that says that it is traumatizing and unnecessary to make your child "cry it out".

But I am desperate. So desperate. And so tired.

Sunday morning I woke at my wits end from another sleepless night. Only this sleepless night had been worse than all the others before it. My son was not waking every hour or two hours, he'd had a few half hour stretches amounting to a total of ten wakings in less than eight hours.

If you've been following my struggles regarding the use of a pacifier then you know that I hold it, (and my mother-in-law for starting him on one), responsible for my son's sleep deprivation. And you also know that I've been over the fence and back regarding whether or not to continue letting him use one.

So last night I took it away again. I put him down to sleep and he surprised me by not crying or fussing too much. He fell asleep twenty minutes later. Mind you listening to my son cry and fuss for twenty minutes was hard, but the end result made it worth it. He fell asleep and slept soundly for a long three hour stretch before waking up. And although it took me a while to get him back to sleep, he did so eventually, and without the pacifier, again and again and again.

So I thought for sure that this morning would be a continuation of the progress we'd made last night.

Nope.

Now he's asleep in the carrier, face pressed into my chest, every once and a while he wakes up, looks up at me, smiles and goes back. I'd like to think his smile means that he has already forgiven me.

A sense of relief washed ever me when I scooped him into my arms after all the tears I'd subjected him to. I prayed that the trust I had spent months building as an advocate of attachment parenting, by breastfeeding, co-sleeping, keeping him close in a carrier as often as possible, and responding to his cues to be held, fed, and changed would not dissolve away with every tear he shed.

I wish there was an easy solution. If there was there wouldn't be so many damn books about getting your baby to sleep. Those people have made megabucks by cashing in on what has to be THE greastest dilemna parents all over the world face by promising them a solution.

I'll try it again later on, but if he cries the way he did this morning I will have to find another solution because every bone in my body tells me I'm not doing either one of us any good by making him go cold turkey.

Also I will need to rule out any medical problems. Will call the doctor today because I'd like to rule out any allergies he may have or reflux (a burning sensation as milk comes back up from baby's tummy).

******

Yesterday my husband's mother phoned. When he hung up with her he told me she was asking when we were going to make another baby.

Typical grandmother, right?

Normally I would have just laughed it off, lightly reminding my husband that we had this discussion and both agreed (I thought) that one child was going to be it.

But I'm sleepless and when I don't get sleep I get cranky, irritable, and so I snapped at him. "I don't give a damn what your mother thinks, I am DONE. "

The smile that spread across his face pissed me off even more. "Why are you smiling? YOu think it's a joke? This is no joke. Look at me. I'm exhausted. I'm not going through it again. I'm not going through another miserable pregnancy, and I'm definitely not going through another twenty-four hour labor. When I have morning sickness for another three months and can't get off of the couch who will take care our son? Because I won't be able to."

My husband just kept smiling. He was amused by my ranting.

"Stop smiling, it isn't funny. I'm serious. And I'm not having your mother come and stay for another seven weeks or more. I won't have it. I'm done. I'm happy with just one child, and frankly I'm too old for another. Do you know that the older a woman gets the greater the chance there will be a birth defect?"

He still wasn't saying anything. I was growing increasingly agitated.

"And don't think you can do what you did the other night and get away with it because I'll put an end to our sex life altogether if you pull that again."

About a week ago my husband and I were having sex and he was a little late pulling out. Naturally I was nervous because THAT is how I got pregnant with our son.

Ok, he wasn't planned....but that doesn't mean we didn't want him. I don't regret having a child for one second. BUT I do wish we'd had a little more time to prepare before he decided to make his debut.

For starters itt would have been nice to have a house and an automobile. It also would have been nice to have more money in the bank, and to have gotten my body into better shape before getting pregnant.

But you can't always plan these things, and if you wait until everything is just as you imagine it should be you may never have that baby. And I can't imagine my life now without my son.

My husband insists his blunder was not intentional. The jury is still out on this one.

Right after my son was born I had debated getting the five year IUD. This is not a decision that should be taken lightly. It really is only best for women who definitely do not want to have another child because it cannot be removed for five years once inserted.

I was going to go ahead and get it without telling my husband because one time I had made the mistake of mentioning going on some form of contraception and he flipped out.

Whether for religious reasons, or because he felt it was not a decision that I had the right to make on my own, he was bothered by the suggestion of me putting a stop to the possibility of getting pregnant again.

But when I asked a friend if she thought it was okay for me to go ahead with it regardless, and withhold this kind of information from my husband, she told me that this kind of thing would not be good for a marriage and if it were her she would certainly not go ahead without discussing it in depth with her husband.

What are YOUR thoughts on this? I would love to hear from other women on this subject because I think it is a hot topic.

Am I a bad person for not wanting another child? Will my son be lonely without a sibling? Will my husband one day regret that he married an older women who would not give him a second child?

******

So I've decided it's time to start exercising. Will get out and walk at least a half hour a day with the baby as long as the sun is shining. If I have the time and energy, some free weights would be a great idea. I wish there were something to take away the stretch marks, but I try to accept the fact that they are here to stay, and consider them part of the initiation of motherhood. As for the spider veins, well they really need to go.

I started taking grape seed extract to get rid of the spider veins before I got pregnant and swear I was beginning to see a marked decrease in the ugly purple veins when I got pregnant and had to stop immediately. When I stop breastfeeding I will resume taking it because studies have shown they are effective. Here is a little tidbit on grapeseed extract from the online Wikepedia:

"Human case reports and results from some laboratory and animal studies appear to show that grape seed extract may help to prevent and treat heart diseases such as high blood pressure and high cholesterol. By limiting oxidation, antioxidants in grape seed extract may help prevent changes, including damage to blood vessels, that may contribute to the development of heart disease. Substances in grape seed extract may also block the effects of enzymes that process fats, including cholesterol, from the diet. Consequently, less fat may be absorbed and more may be eliminated from the body. Other research shows that grape seed extract may help to prevent or control damage to body cells that is caused by drugs, pollution, tobacco, and other toxins. While all of these studies appear promising, much more research including long-term studies in humans is needed to confirm initial findings."

And speaking of antioxidants....I am really looking forward to the day I can sit down with a glass of red wine and not have to worry about it getting into my breastmilk and having an adverse effect on my son. I'm undecided about when I'll stop breastfeeding. I made a promise to myself that I would do it for at least six months. It is hard to believe I'm two weeks away from this. My how time flies.