dear sir on the slide

CK posted 44 weeks 2 days ago —

Dear Sir on the Slide:

I think it’s wonderful that you and your son are so obviously close.

It was fun to listen to his shrieks of delight as you chased him around the playground, pretending that you couldn’t catch him.

And kudos for the way you coaxed him up the stair ramp to the big tunnel slides when he got scared and stopped. I’m sure his mommy will be as proud of him as you promised she would.

However

Due to our close proximity during that juncture, I must comment on your attire, since either your wife did not, or she did and you chose not to listen.

As you know, the stairs that lead up to the tunnel slides are narrow and on a very steep incline.

They are also enclosed as a tunnel themselves. So as I’m sure you won’t soon forget, when a parent leads their child up the stairs, their back is hunched against the plastic and their face is pretty much at the mercy of the backside in front of them.

Which is simple to avoid when traffic moves.

And understandably, you probably didn’t notice my toddler and I behind you when you stopped suddenly.

Or all of the children behind me, caught midair, unable to back up.

You were focused on your son, and he was scared.

And it was your job to get him moving again. Which you did. Eventually.

But sir, you should not have left the house without wearing some kind of undergarment beneath your running shorts.

I understand that these types of polyester, ultra beefy 3/4 split deals are great for running. And many are designed with a quick-drying brief lining the inside.

Yours for some reason, did not include that feature.

Maybe you thought they did. I know I wished they did.

But they didn’t.

Sir, you’re old enough to understand that you don’t freeball-it at the playground.

You just don’t.

Especially when there’s a chance that some unfortunate mother will be stuck behind you without the option to look away.

Because I tried, Sir.

I tried.

And I couldn’t.

Not because I was intrigued by the thought of watching your knackers aerate, but because I was escorting a one-year-old who didn’t yet understand the concept of waiting.

A one-year-old who had no problem crawling under your legs instead of keeping still. And it suddenly became my duty to keep her head from nearing your bollocks.

All I could picture was your package getting stuck to the slide as you skidded down with your son.

And that I’d have to go down the slide after you.

My jeans-only wardrobe FINALLY paid off.

And gratefully my daughter was still small enough to sit on my lap.

But Sir, seriously.

I appreciate that you weren’t on your blackberry.

I do.

But next time, please conceal yourself.

Sincerely,

Founder and President of the “We Don’t Want to See Your Balls” Club

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©2009 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and your ass is mine. Although, given the topic of this post, you probably shouldn’t attempt touching anything. Seriously.