cats in the cradle

CK posted 9 weeks 5 days ago —

With everything going on in ONE’s life lately, I’ve really felt the need to find ways to be softer with her. Being soft with her is a daily struggle. From her first month on earth she wanted to be turned around to face the world. She batted away kisses, didn’t like the restriction of hugs and emotional connections were on her terms only.

I was disappointed, but there’s only so many times a girl wants to be screamed at for lovin’ on her kid, so I gave her her space. And then over the years I became addicted to the space and felt like I needed to protect it. It was a guilt-free pass to “me time.”

But I also knew that if I didn’t want a cats-in-the-cradle type life situation, I had to moderate it. So I’d go on regular >>jags<< with parenting her. Stretches of times when I’d focus on her and finding ways to connect on her terms, just to “even” things out.  And when I made the effort I always found something meaningful in the everyday, applied my good intentions, had success and then binged on “me time” directly afterwards.

But being entrenched in her school anxiety has made me realize that my half-assed efforts won’t cut it anymore. I need to put a little more of me on the shelf and I need to be an adult about it. So once again I’ve put away my computer during the day and tried to focus more on her. And since Thursdays are our days with nothing planned, I was determined to do something special, something soft, with ONE.

She must have sensed it because right after TWO went down for her nap ONE asked if she could use her special porcelain tea set for lunch. I said yes. Then she asked in a casual voice if I wanted to join her. She hesitated as she asked, which made me a little sad, because I could tell she was expecting me to turn her down. So instead I said yes.

She jumped up and down while I retrieved her special tea set. By the time I handed it to her she was already in a costume. She set everything up on the floor while I made sandwiches and prepared the lemonade. And as I watched her pretend to be a princess, I knew exactly how I could make the experience soft and meaningful for her.

I slipped upstairs into the attic and retrieved the only real Halloween costume I’ve ever owned. A Maid Marian get-up I bought years and years ago for a party that she’s never seen, and put it on. I walked back into the room and when she finally noticed I was dressed up, her entire face smiled and she whispered,

“Oh, Mama. You look like an angel!”

This is where I’d normally end my post with a photograph of the two of us in our costumes picnicking in the living room.

But I’d left my tripod in the car.

And my car was parked down the street in front of my neighbor’s house. (>>The neighbor I accidentally flashed<<, remember her?)

And I knew I had to be careful about getting my tripod because I didn’t want to break the spell for ONE. So I raced outside, in my costume, across the yards grabbed the tripod from the car and got back into the house without anyone (to my knowledge) noticing.

And when I walked into the house, a giggling ONE handed me my camera.

And as I sat down to eat it occured to me, my girl was just like me. She was growing up just like me…

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